Even though we have trivialized morality lately, we still feel free to judge others harshly according to an unwritten code we keep in our minds. Mostly, the intensity of our evaluation depends on whether we think those others are detrimental to our emotional, spiritual, or financial welfare, but we claim the right to apply standards unequally when we so choose. One of those times happens when we’re shopping for a lifetime companion or spouse.
In the charming 2022 film MR. MALCOLM’S LIST (on Amazon Prime), the location is 19th century England, imagined in a style Jane Austen would appreciate. The namesake character, very wealthy Mr. Jeremy Malcolm, operates according to a list he has compiled of desirable traits he seeks in a wife, much to the chagrin of Julia, an upper class young lady who values herself far more than he does. He rejects her as being a shallow flirt sorely unaware of current events and devoid of useful talents. Deeply offended by the humiliation, Julia sets out to serve him his own medicine by styling her childhood friend Selina to feign being his ideal mate until he’s smitten and she can belittle him by finding him wanting according to a list of her own.
Echoes of Mr. Darcy in PRIDE AND PREJUDICE reverberate as the haughty Mr. Malcolm applies his list. But is a checklist inappropriate today? TV programs featuring competitions for matrimony spring to mind. Aren’t they, too, objectifying the candidates by arbitrary measures? Anxious wannabes don’t seem to be offended when a lucrative match is the dangling reward. On the positive side, perhaps assessing the viability of a prospective spouse is easier if the process begins by questionnaire, resume, and appearance before emotions and hormones cloud the issue. Sex is, after all, the most powerful persuader that Nature employs to see the matching done quickly in order that procreation can begin. The immense difficulty of sorting viable choices with so many variables in play may be the reason some cultures grant parents the right to select the best options available, assuming emotional bonds will form with time and experience.
In much of today’s world as in the film, the final commitment requires both parties agree. (Unfortunately, coerced sex trafficking of vulnerable victims continues as it always has.) In polite society, to be chosen isn’t to be forced—except subliminally by social pressure to appear desirable. The divorce rate suggests that many matches are poorly made—perhaps hastily or too young. How honest and probing are the conversations on dates? How well does the couple come to know one another as people functioning in a complicated society? Perhaps Mr. Malcolm isn’t being haughty after all, as long as he exposes himself to the same sort of scrutiny that he delivers. His weakness lies in failing to know himself as well as his ideal mate knows herself. Only portions of society now as then dare to encourage self-awareness instead of obedience or conformity.
