Witnessing decent, hard-working people be unaffected by cruelty makes me cry. And cruelty doesn’t stop with physical harm. Cruelty is any time someone attempts to crush the humanity out of another—purposely or accidentally in perceived self-defense. Often the offending person seems totally unaware that the atmosphere around them has turned acrid. Often they feel proud to have stepped over the puddle of emotion that lay in wait.
“Avoiding honest emotion” can be a key to understanding what’s going on. A friend recently helped me see that many people today—perhaps more than in previous years?—have built emotional walls around themselves. Only carefully chosen affections are permitted. The wall probably began in early life when that person concluded they were not good enough. But no one wants the world to know when “not good enough” becomes vulnerability. No one wants to open themselves to nasty cyber messages and, worse, face-to-face degradation. The essential ingredient is fear blended with self-hate. The isolation and social demands of current culture intensify the brew. Mental development tendencies can play a large role. Not everyone has the same capacity for empathy. If we despise ourselves, we make better consumers, so sly marketing and propaganda emphasize our weaknesses, the little ugliness we wanted to hide, the necessity of fitting into the greater culture. We’re never good enough or have enough—UNLESS we buy into the instant cure offered at a discount. Or the group of like-minded people who have THE answers. Then the group provides assurance that the hateful beliefs were always true.
Sometimes people have been indoctrinated to believe they owe it to themselves to recognize their own superiority. They are SO superior that they don’t have to bother contributing anything useful. They subconsciously feel unworthy, of course, but they point out others they hold responsible. It’s never due to a lack on their part. They’re free to hate anyone who isn’t them or their acceptable family. They can snatch up positions or awards they don’t deserve without conscience.
I used to believe that love could crack any wall to reveal the real person captive inside. I’m older now. I still reach out, but I’ve accepted that I’m not the one in control. Only the caged person can remove that wall. If they realize it’s there and want it gone, they may find help in taking it apart, but no one can do it for them. In fact, I’ve come to the cynical belief that we must treat them with kindness and emotionally pull away in self-defense. We can’t sustain constant barrages of cold apathy and even abject cruelty throughout life. There are too many others who crave community and need us as we need them.
So, as holidays and pleas for donations designed to remind us of our commitments to the greater good arrive in waves, we must sort. We must feel our way forward, testing the ground cautiously for firm emotional footing while remaining aware that we’re bound to be injured along the way. That’s okay. We can grow if we don’t allow ourselves to be destroyed.
