How Do I Love Thee?

“How do I love thee?” wrote Elizabeth Barrett Browning. What she didn’t write was how many ways we’re called upon to love throughout a long-term relationship such as marriage—and we don’t mean different ways to swoon with sentiment. After 50 years together, when my husband and I begin to feel contaminated by the negativity in the world, for contrast we may turn to romance films. Some are well done. Most are not. But they give us emotional breathing room that doesn’t require dread or reading with tired eyes. The main characters almost never tell the truth to one another from the beginning. Plot after plot depends on a final crisis born of reluctant revelation. Even Shakespeare liked to play with painfully obvious misunderstandings to mine humor. It’s a handy, no-sweat plot device. Follow the dots.

Most people are afraid to be vulnerable—perhaps because so many people don’t love or trust themselves, which could be a hint of why relationships don’t last. We’re told again and again that when we open up, we’re asking to be hurt or used. When a woman is murdered, for example, the first suspect is her husband and next, her son or lover, as mystery plots delight in reminding us. For some couples, cheating is a high risk game. Some couples treat one another as toys. Degrading attitudes that lack interpersonal respect have been excused for political gain recently.

When main characters in romantic films are plastic representations of reality, the viewer may deduce that the authors, directors, and target audience believe reality is too complex and challenging for a 90 page script…or not cheerful enough. Maybe clever scripts and adept actors are too expensive. Perhaps the writers themselves haven’t personally discovered how to make a commitment work. Shoving characters into an intimate relationship that’s conveniently capped with a marriage proposal is a form of quick conflict resolution even when the characters don’t fit together. One good kiss is supposed to resolve unspoken issues without being messy. Real life commitments that flash into life solely because of satisfying sex often burn out because the two people never resolved their differences and eventually discover they don’t want to live together. Social pressure might persuade a couple to form a partnership to preserve ego, but that rarely lasts as an attractive joining either. The “other people” who are supposed to be impressed are most concerned with themselves.

Love we call unconditional never promises not to have lumps. In a solid marriage, for example, each partner will be called upon to forgive the other at many points, even if there’s been no disloyalty. Tempers, stresses, illnesses and injuries tax the fiber of the bond. Humans stumble into various emotional swamps by accident or design. A strong couple develops ways to shoulder through the mess. At times, at least one partner is secretly certain the bond is a mistake, but that disgust dissipates with empathy, tolerance, and a good night’s sleep. Two people annoy the heck out of each other from time to time. No one person can be everything helpful for another. But they’re best friends, so they prioritize forgiveness. When a spouse is chosen as a trophy, age is an inevitable villain. So is financial ruin.

My husband and I attempt to find love and/or humor behind most situations. We’ve had several gut-wrenching experiences together and expect more. The love some people mock as naïve can be the strongest, longest lasting glue in the human world. It can stop wars and build cultures. Many believe it can transcend death. Make no mistake; love is work that never quits. But it can take your breath away with its resilience.