How to Lose Yourself

What happens to women who feel forced to accept a husband or partner who’s abusive, denigrating, and controlling? What happens to teachers who were well trained in universities and then must teach histories and explanations that are, at best, incomplete and, at worst, lies? What happens to parents who know their children are violent bullies and don’t speak out? What happens to young people whose friends coerce them into participating in acts they would normally have hated?

Perhaps the greater question is how much denial can a person absorb before the real person is twisted and shadowed? The most serious damage that goes along with our going along is our loss of self. We no longer believe what we once taught our children. We can’t. We don’t believe in ourselves. Our opinions follow the mob because that feels safe and probably smart. Actually, once you lose yourself, you may decide smart is over-rated. Smart is dangerous. Smart can secretly be working against you. You might look like a fool if you disagree, so you deliberately seek out people or media outlets that reinforce what you’ve pretended to believe. Stay behind the loud voices. Soon you actually believe them.

The loss of a strong sense of self leaves the emptied person feeling permanently dissatisfied and vulnerable to persuasion. (If I don’t know how to make me feel powerful and happy, who can tell me what to do?) The people we choose to emulate or follow frequently don’t meet the standards we once held, but who cares? Do they have money? Can they keep what we think are lesser beings away from us? Do they give us the illusion that we’re winning?

Why do people try so hard to reach material goals? Many prospective homeowners on HOUSE HUNTERS insist they want a home that will impress their friends. Jealousy seems like a goal that’s right up there with control. On the TV series FORENSIC FILES, realizing that lust, jealousy or greed often leads to crime doesn’t take long. One wife who discovers her second husband murdered her first refuses to believe the hard evidence. Her children don’t, either. They’ve perfected denial. Or there’s the story of the only son who murders his parents so he can have the house—a story that isn’t a one-off.

Ironically, some lose self by deciding their only reason for being alive is to make other people happy. Wives are infamous for accepting this burden. They have no value to themselves as individuals, no value in their own joy, no purpose beyond their function. Another incarnation of this self-destruction might even lead to ending life. For those who can’t accomplish something impressive, their lives appear worthless. They don’t want to live in a world that has typical human flaws. They don’t want to forgive themselves for having weaknesses, when they never had an option.

How much different our world would (will?) be when people look inward or upward to their higher selves for proof they’re worthwhile as independent beings. They’re shocked to realize the simple positive acts they perform daily are the purpose they were seeking.