Romance, Like Optimism, Isn’t Dead, But It Doesn’t Feel Well

Romance wears out, or seems to in modern incarnations. In one definition, it has become tied to gifts and cuddling—acts that are performed as love develops, whether or not love ever does. While that definition may be accurate, I lean on my own concept in which romance is an expression of love. If you read the love letters sent home by soldiers in the Civil War, you see elegant professions of affection enriched with admiration—not expensive gifts. Long-term permanently romantic relationships such as the one between Former President Jimmy Carter and his wife Rosalyn seem to be rare today. One reason is, of course, the inability of many to express themselves, their thoughts and emotions, with flair. (Take her to dinner and expect recompense later.) Today, flattery is a tool for trolling (for those of you familiar with lake fishing). It doesn’t necessarily lead to love.

The main problem is, of course, the way we trample and misuse the word “love” until it has no meaning. For many, love has no requirements except, perhaps, intimate relations, although physical intimacy can actually be cruel—objectifying instead of celebrating. Many so-called popular love songs refer only to sex. In creating shorthand (acronyms) for nearly everything and relegating what was once letter writing or phone calls to texts, we’ve also hurried and shortened much we need from love: companionship, intellectual intimacy, communication, humor, commitment, and—above all—safety. Acting as models of desirable behavior, people who select a permanent partner in a week or less under photographic lighting and in utterly inauthentic public situations can hardly be assured of securing an authentic relationship. Those of us who find partners under social pressures often don’t vet them as well as we might vet a prospective employee. Love is a paper valentine or, as one woman phrased it, “a honkin’ big diamond.” Little wonder that many find love hollow and even dangerous.

Profit-mongers have worked to convince us we aren’t good enough in any way. Even gorgeous people go home and scowl into the mirror. Love is viewed as being as fanciful as peace. The truth is, we’ve been denigrated all our lives as being too something—too dark, too light, too smart, too dumb, etc. We need to buy lots of stuff to make us okay. No wonder our world has lost its belief in goodness. Deep happiness seems like a childish goal. If you want to look competent, tear something—or someone—down. Accept nothing but perfection (your own idea of perfection) from yourself and everyone else. Don’t muddy your life by caring about other people. Reserve your love for those who exceed your requirements.

Although the world and every individual in it will sometimes disappoint us, it’s our world. It’s run by….PEOPLE, the same people who believe profit and power should replace character. If we don’t like the outcome, we’re people, too. We can redefine love and our expectations. We can try to understand first instead of after we’ve initiated hostility. We can create a bubble of real unconditional love around ourselves, if nowhere else. We can shock people by bringing sunshine instead of lightning to the storms of our lives. We can create a romantic setting where there were only toxins before.