Fighting Yourself

Using Amazon Prime, I recently watched the 2012 film THANKS FOR SHARING, starring Mark Ruffalo, Gwyneth Paltrow, Josh Gad, Pink, and Tim Robbins. I expected to be only an interested observer since the story revolved around three recovering sex addicts involved in a support group. Addictions of any kind share certain characteristics, so we’ve all been observers, at the very least. What I soon realized is that even those who’ve escaped addiction can bypass valuable insights that are waiting for them to notice.

At the outset, the characters played by Tim Robbins and Mark Ruffalo believe they’ve conquered their addiction and can guide others from a lofty viewpoint. Josh Gad is a doctor who has lost control of his disease as has the character played by Pink, and Gwyneth Paltrow is a recovered cancer patient who already feels disconnected from the weaknesses of those around her. She tells Mark Ruffalo he’s the only person she doesn’t hate.

The first takeaway from the film is that we think we know who has the most courage and resilience, who we should emulate without question, but we’re often wrong. For example, presidents, priests and pastors have been known to stray into dark behaviors. Many of their followers—as well as the fallen themselves—deny the truth, preferring not to associate themselves with missteps. We enjoy feeling superior and confident in our goodness. We like to think we’re doing better than most, but the fact is we have much in common with the fallen people we despise. We’re often surprised and even shocked by the people who can help us when we lose our footing—the uneducated, the homeless, members of other cultures, races, ages, abilities, and religions, people we avoided as being inappropriate companions. As human beings, we share priorities and characteristics, whether we like it or not. Psychologist Abraham Maslow reminded us we all need love and belonging, self-esteem, and self-actualization—regardless of our resources to achieve those needs. We’re wise to be humble enough to accept help when it’s needed, while overcoming judgement when we’re in the role of giver.

The second takeaway from the film is that everyone has weaknesses that lie in wait for those vulnerable moments when we stop working at being our best selves. Some like to say “we’re only human.” We’re all susceptible to indulgences we allow ourselves when we’re feeling sorry for our hard times. The trick is to make sure one indulgence doesn’t lead to another and so on until our best selves have been bulldozed and our self-esteem lies flat and bleeding. Then the challenge is finding the reality and courage to forgive ourselves as we forgive others so that we can move forward and do better next time. Often, those who have strayed from their self-expectations never fully embrace or trust themselves again and spend the rest of their days flamboyantly punishing themselves while inadvertently punishing everyone around them.

Being human is a challenge. Wisdom comes with pain and self-realization, love and forgiveness. We need each other. We don’t have to struggle alone.