Unconditional Family-ness

Many people think they love unconditionally, but they don’t. How can you tell the difference? Conditional love can be exhausting, because you’re constantly trying to gauge how people around you are reacting. You’re perpetually seeking approval, giving or withholding it—whether you know it or not. Often you don’t realize how trained you are in trying to be the person others wish you to be or how much you want some other to be what you desire, but you always feel at least a little stressed in the company of those who matter to you. What if they all disagree? How can you navigate the situation? We’re aware of the pressure with employers or others who hold our fortunes in their hands, but we assume we’re comfortable with family. Sometimes family members are the most demanding of all your connections because you need their support so badly, like it or not.

Recently, I had occasion to spend real time with members of our extended family. We were forced into close quarters for more hours than we had anticipated when the electric car in which we were traveling to view fall colors ran over something that tore a considerable hole in a tire. Apparently, many new cars have eliminated the “burden” of spare tires. In the city, even an ominously whooshing hole that sounded like three punctures at once might not have been as alarming, but we were in the mountains in a tiny tourist village sans any sort of car service. The car’s so-called magic button that was supposed to summon aid regardless of location was demoted to decoration. We were stranded. Exasperated, we opted to pause for lunch. (Tourist villages always offer food.) Crises are easier to face when no one is hungry.

The diverse passengers in our car had not spent any appreciable time together in years. Softened by our magnificent surroundings, we surrendered to the initial hopelessness of our predicament and discarded fallback platitudes. We leaned heavily on humor as we tried to convince the driver that he was not at fault and guilt or anger would be useless. After lunch, we managed to scrounge up just enough Fix-A-Flat to be able to use a small air pump that would help us limp into the nearest town 16 miles away. The fix wasn’t adequate for speedy driving. So, our travel plan was to drive until the tire was dangerously low, stop, pump up the tire to a reasonable tension, drive, stop, pump up the tire, and repeat over and over again until we could reach the town. Meanwhile, with the help of cell magic we located the sole mechanic in our destination who was still working although it was Saturday. He said he would fit us in and remedy our situation if we arrived before his shift ended.  Good hearts are precious.

As we gradually covered the 16 miles, we shared old stories, pretending we were having an adventure. Differences in age or experience fell away as we laughed at our past errors.  At last we reached the service station in town and our dilemma was quickly remedied. We considered nominating the mechanic for sainthood… or adoption at the very least.

Our most striking accomplishment was the occupants of the car had grown closer, having spent countless hours being completely without the kind of polite artifice we use with strangers or the subtle sparring that can accompany family outings. We were surprised to discover we’d had a wonderful time, and we appreciated one another far more than before.

Later, as we chatted over our dining room table, I sensed a supportive aura of positivity around us. For me, it was palpable. In a time when ugly negativity seems to have been set free to multiply and intensify at will, we had created a cloud of unconditional love—a cloud we had wanted for years, an optimistic cloud our world needs badly and will build in the future. We were free to respect one another for our differences as well as our similarities. Any need for ego had dissipated. Perhaps those who believe these hateful times will divide good from bad, hate from love, low vibrations from high, are onto something. Trouble can bring people together and remind us we’re all family on our tiny globe… if we can relax into unconditional love to look for solutions.