Can You Hear Me If I Shout?

What’s the single most important skill any teacher, psychiatrist, or parent needs to build strong minds and healthy psyches? Think back to a time when you felt most ignored, more misunderstood, most invisible. What’s the basis for our court system as it was designed? We hear both sides. When only one side is well represented, someone’s been erased. If that someone was you, you may recall feeling resentment. If you surrendered until you didn’t feel anything at all, did that serve you? You may have been rewarded for behaving, but how did you picture yourself inside? Did you feel inspired to think creative thoughts, to solve difficult problems, or to reach out  with love? How was your level of confidence in your opinions? Did anyone want to hear your ideas? Why do we act out? Because we don’t see any viable choice. We’re desperate. No one’s listening. We’re invisible.

Sometimes we have to be reminded that humans have the same needs no matter what their individual circumstances are, no matter how they look or sound. We strive to raise our children so they’re ready to face life. We want our homes and jobs to provide for us, to keep us safe. We want respect from others and ourselves. We need love and belonging. If we remember whenever we’re talking with someone, we’re also talking to ourselves in some way, we’ll be more effective.

Imagine you’re in a disagreement with someone, maybe a stranger you can treat as an object. Isn’t it hard to let that person talk—to actually hear and process what’s being said? Every word hurts something inside you—especially if you’re sure you know the real facts. Why waste time letting this person spout off?  The wilder that person’s ideas are, the more you can guess that person doesn’t listen well. Why doesn’t he know the facts? Why does he believe the nonsense being fed to him like baby food? Does he know what evidence is? Some evidence comes from people who lie, but lies are convincing if they come from someone who knows how to deliver them as though they’re real. What if the person spreading lies is a family member? Or a respected member of the community? Oh, brother! Do you have to discredit a loved one to be heard? Lying makes decision-making really difficult, because first, you have to figure out what facts lay at the bottom of the pail of poop. Is there any way this person is going to give you a fair hearing?

The key is you’re looking for tiny nuggets about which you both can agree. As the other person talks, that’s what you’re searching for—tiny nuggets that pull you closer together. You have to establish yourself as trustworthy, normal, someone who honestly cares. The more you seem to be someone at least remotely similar to them, the better chance you have of making an impression. Listening offers you insights you didn’t have before, glimpses into the self-esteem and lifestyle of the person before you. You can include brief bits of information the person doesn’t have during the conversation, but you can’t cram them down their throat. The more their traditional stance is draped in their beliefs, the less you’ll accomplish.

People are allergic to being patronized or bullied. Finally, if you can convince the other person to want the answers to questions she never asked before you came, you’ve gone about as far as you can go. Being listened to can contribute to someone’s self-image. At last they’re worthy of attention. We’ve all been cut off or dismissed without justification—especially women. But look at the immense accomplishments of women who refused to disappear or be owned. In spite of what I was told by some man online, women and minorities are, indeed, human. We can all benefit from one another’s talents and expertise if we aren’t too full of ourselves to listen. Louder and stronger doesn’t mark better ideas—just a louder mouth.