It’s for Your Own Good

Is there such a thing as a perfectly loving, supportive early life at home and in public? I couldn’t say. Parents feel compelled to guide their children, often subtly or not subtly squishing them into molds they wish they had used for themselves. “It’s for your own good,” is a phrase most of us heard at one time or other. Many parents have no idea how much they’re dictating although they might not institute rules. They follow the norm of their friends. Family conflict is a hint that parents could probably use some wise training in how to create healthy, functional human beings. We do our best…or not. These days values seem fogged over so that no one is exactly sure where the lines of propriety should lie. We look around and try to make ourselves fit in. Our children and grandchildren do the same, generally using a far different algorithm formed in vastly different times.

So what happens to adults who now stumble about in a universe that seems to have been designed by comic book writers? We’ve confused guidance with strict direction. We’ve been directed as to what we should believe, say, or how we should act. But the ones we were following have let us down. Now that the game table has been upended, we don’t know how to piece the puzzle back together. At last we notice that we’re woefully dependent on approval, but we don’t trust ourselves, either.

We were schooled to seek the advice of authorities. We were taught there’s a right way to do everything, while being reminded that we don’t know the right ways so we must obey. We’re told we’re the perfect example of original sin. Life has a pattern we must squeeze ourselves into to be considered good. But good people can do bad things. We’re told we don’t know what bad is, but that we’re hopelessly clueless is a given. What we’ve discovered is many of our authorities were and perhaps still are secretly hypocritical. They said they were taking care of us, but they were mostly taking care of themselves. So now what?

First, and most importantly, we must begin by looking deeply into our selves. How do you feel about yourself? Do you trust you to be wise? Do you forgive yourself when you’re the hypocrite? If you had to cite three ways you’re a mess right now, how long would that take you? Are you being fair? When you begin to trust yourself, you begin to honor what you already know inside and who to consult for honest information. Some call it intuition. Some call it common sense. You have many dimensions.

What if you’re exactly who and where you should be? After all, the plan may not be yours. Okay, it sounds corny, but what if you’re here to do what you feel is right for you to do—as long as you don’t deliberately hurt anyone? Maybe you’re a role model or a warning or an example of a starting point or a blank slate.

Have you done anything to make the world around you feel warmer and safer and kinder lately? We’re raised to criticize ourselves without ever knowing if we might be the hero of our story or one that belongs to someone else. We believe every nasty thing said about us. So stop. Plug the ears of your mind against those who despise or envy or use you for their own purposes. Watch for the people who exercise empathy or compassion. Be the caring person you wish you had in your life, the one who can tolerate differences. Believe it’s okay to do something nice even if no one asks—a smile will do. Yes, the world can grow better but we’re the ones in charge.